I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on a hair product.
I know it was a ridiculous amount because when it arrived (I had to order it), it was swaddled in couture tissue paper. I don’t know what constitutes couture tissue paper, but this bottle was wrapped in it, mark my words.
I would tell you more, but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to use it yet.
I know. Using a new hair product shouldn’t require screwing up your courage, but this is different. It’s a “style extender,” and I have many unanswered questions and concerns (unrelated to the price because omg swaddled).
A style extender implies that whatever form my hair takes, that’s where it’s going to stay. This may be hunky dory for you, but I have about a 20 percent success rate on the first go-round. There are many unknowns, and while I have documented things like humidity, styling process and planetary alignment, it remains largely a matter of chance. In other words, there are a lot of things that happen that really have no business being extended.
Question 1: At what point does my new product decide my hair has been styled? Seriously, can I comb it and go or will it wait around until it perceives that styling has been accomplished? It’s going to be waiting around a lot. Which brings us to…
Question 2: How do I activate it? Is there a secret phrase? Like “shape of George Washington’s wig. Form of La Femme Nikita.” I’ve sworn off blow drying my hair as part of my anger management program and I’m afraid I’ll be in the middle of a yoga class with my hair in a damp ponytail when the style extender kicks in and my hair will be stuck in upward-facing cockatoo. These are valid concerns.
Question 3: Do people honestly style their hair on a daily basis? Furthermore, how long will this extend my “style”? Days? Weeks? Is the bottle this tiny because I will only have to wash my hair semi-annually?
Question 4: Where is it?
No, really. I was afraid someone else in the family would use it first so I hid it and now I can’t find it. Does it come with tracking capability? Or a cloaking device I may have accidentally activated?
I know, these are all questions I should have asked the robot on the website. But I can’t help but think that even the robot on the website spends a few minutes each morning blow drying it’s shimmering locks, and I just… can’t. Mostly because I don’t have shimmering locks but also because I lose the blood in my arms battling with the blow dryer and once I’ve lost feeling in my hands my perspective gets all skewed and I forget how desperately important it is to have styled hair.
What I want (what I want what I really really want) is a product, or perhaps a technology, that will act as a freeze ray when I’m having a 20% day. Or better yet, that makes my hair look like I think it looks when I think I’m having a good hair day but am not.
Come to think of it, anyone know where I can get a really legitimate-looking wig? I just bought some lightly-used couture tissue paper to store it in.